Mi Primero Amor,
You were the first man to think me beautiful. All I could see is you. I knew that your greatest fear was losing me, so the solution was to beat me instead. I can longer walk around with low self-esteem, because all your words were lies. “No one will ever love you. You are ugly. You are nothing.” I had waited twenty years to meet you, only to become sick to stomach with infidelity and bruised skin. I must air it out! I now know that you knew that someone else could love me. Of course, you mention me when you see someone that is my life currently. You want to be remembered and relevant, but at one point you were the only relevancy in my existence. Our little baby, I had prayed that God would let me lose. I could not raise my child in an environment filled with abuse. As our child died inside of me, you ignored my cries for help. I knew then that you did not love me. I did not know how I would ever not love you. I leave all insecurities that our union has caused behind. I am beautiful. I am someone. I am talented. I deserve respect. No man should hit me. A relationship is not about control. I know why you cannot look me in the eye. You feel guilt because I did only what you asked me to, and that was to love you.
I was constant and you would always disappear. You did not want me, but no one else could have me either. You were a player, but you ended up loving me, just like I said you would. Too little, too late. Subtle attempts to return back into my life have been ignored. At one point, I was all yours. So many physical conquests, and you tried to add me to the bunch. But, I had substance. I am a woman. You were saddened when I cut ties. What was there not to understand? I had been on the backburner for so long, just waiting for you to be my man. You would throw me away, then beg me to stay. You taught me the game that I never wanted to play. I will never play with anyone’s heart.
I had never been so happy in my life. Late night dance offs and conversations that ended with sleep. You had to find a flaw in me, because you could not believe that I could love you and only you. You would punish me for the words of others. You would leave me as I begged you to stay, and return asking forgiveness for your mistakes. You say you will never find better, but you only mean that physically. I was this trophy to brag about. I was not anything to treasure. I knew all along that we were not meant to be. My mind was riddled with confusion and pain. Surely, there are positive points to love than this! You were my angel at times. Always rescuing me. I needed you to go, as you know you needed to go. I cannot remember the last cry. I should not have had any. You were not my last chance at love. I have accepted the ending, and on I go.
You are everything that I long to never be. I want to never lose or abandon my children. I do not want to ever be so dependent on a substance, that my own blood no longer matters. I shared no anger for you as child. I have a Mother. But, when I met you, I was so disappointed in you. I want you to wake up out of this stupor and realize that I am here for you. I pray for you to get clean, but I know you fear facing your demons. Two of your children passed away so young, and I feel the same pain everyday! I want you to press on.There is no need for guilt. I forgive you for the past. So does God. But I cannot forgive you for still pretending that I do not exist, so you can feel no pain. I cannot relate to the woman that carried me, and it makes me feel strange. I pray for God to just keep you safe. I pray someday that we will have something, but I can accept what I have always had from you. Nothing.
Fathers were void in a lot homes. I did not feel like a parent was missing. They say that little girls need fathers because they will have disastrous luck with men, and the cycle will continue. Having you in my life does bring me luck in love. But, I do let you lie. I do let you manipulate, only because you are the only man that I should respect. My blood is your blood. My eyes are your eyes. I am numb to any pain that you may bring. I cannot bring myself to disrespect you anymore, because nothing will change. The Fatherless girl is a woman now, and I will be okay. I forgive you for not being in my life. I forgive you for breaking my heart with lies. The man that I dream of loving someday will hopefully have your charm, but his word he will keep. Words that he does not mean, I hope he will never utter. I am not Fatherless. I am Dominique.